As you may have garnered from the last 4 entries, i have not exactly been happy in my relationship. I've felt as though it's been dead for over a year, and just haven’t had the balls to make the move. I hadn't had the guts to do that to Tracey, to upend her world, to leave her when she was so alone, she had become dependant on me in every way, whereas all i did was find new friends she lost old ones and didn't find new ones.
After a particularly last ditch attempt to get ANY life into the relationship on my end over the past two weeks, i came to the decision that it was time to pass ways. I never expected it to be easy, 4 years with someone never is. As i was to find out it was extremely poorly timed as well, as Tracey only two weeks earlier had come to the same decisions, gone off to meat a bloke who was besotted with her they'd kissed, she'd felt wonderful. But after much anguish her heart told her what she needed to know.

And that was of her love for me.

I knew nothing of this until friday night, nothing at all, and surprisingly had never come as a shock, i'd never trusted the two of them together, as i'd known he was besotted with her. And was always crying and crooning down the phone whenever he could get her to answer, not that she enjoyed this, but i guess with the situation we were in she decided to give him a chance, i completely understand this.

So with the racking of guilt over the weekend as i needed a little time to clear my head about this, Tracey wasn't eating or sleeping apparently, her parents were getting quite distraught, for this i am deeply deeply sorry. I spoke with her in length on Sunday about the situation, and how we can stay good friends, and not to get her hopes up about it though. And she made me promise to tell her straight away if i ever had second thoughts, which of course you expect his soon after a major break-up so I’m trying to ignore until more time has passed.

So now we have the cooling off period, apparently she is still not eating or sleeping properly, but I’m trying so hard to help her with that, i care deeply for her, we spent 4 years of our young life together, we were each others first love, you don’t get over or forget that entirely. Personally I’ve had a long time to think about it as the love ebbed away.

As much of a bastard it makes me sound though, i now feel liberated, now I’m not the kind of guy to going out lagering up (i can't stand the stuff) and copping off with every bird in sight, after all that could get embarrassing. But there id someone who finally gave me a reason, gave me the courage to do this, someone who showed me there was life after what i had left. She was the person who was in my thoughts all of last week, and a considerable amount of time over the weekend, for this i feel slightly bad seeing as we've not known each other long at all, but there's something about her that makes me want to do the slightly crazy. Hopefully after reading this again, she’ll realise that it had nothing to do with her in a bad way, the damage had been done some time ago, all that has happened has been the end of a particularly drawn out chapter of my life, I have some good memories, and have learnt a lot, but it’s time to move onwards, and upwards (so might call that north ;) )

Now seeing as this is my first blog, I never actually knew how hectic my life is, maybe it’s a sign of change that I even considered writing this as at this point, and my life before was so mundane that the idea wasn’t attractive :)

Ok, so judge me as you all will, personally I have felt a complete bastard for 3 days, so whatever you have to throw at me will feel lie light tickling, I hope I conveyed it well enough, as we have parted amicably, and are friends, I’ll try and keep her hands off me (but then she has had no trouble in the past :P)